Audax rider Kilgore Trout completed the Mid-Wales Desert 200 in a very mediocre time in Brecon this Weekend. "I've had flu for the past five days, so my poor time is hardly surprising" said Trout after the event.
The Mid-Wales Desert from Brecon is a hilly ride, but one that is well-known for its scenic splendour. Although not a long ride by Audax standards, the hills around Llynne Brianne and Tregaron make it a tough event suitable only for fully-fit riders. Still showing symptoms of a bad head cold, Trout started well on the 22-mile flat main road bash to Llandovery, including an extended period of tandem-drafting at speeds of up to 30mph.
It was at Llandovery that Trout's health started to affect his performance. Audax riders commonly blow their noses by closing one nostril with a finger and then exhaling sharply through the other nostril. This has the effect of spraying excess mucus onto the road (and passing riders on occasion). Due his cold however, in Trout's case this disgusting but accepted practice resulted in his upper arms and much of his bike frame becoming covered in thick streaks of green slime. "The green bogies clashed badly with my purple jacket disrupting my concentration" said Trout.
Trout's nasal problems were not simply sartorial however. Studies have shown that dried nasal mucus on a cyclist's clothes can result in significant drag factor slowing the rider by as much as 2mph. "I knew I was getting slower as the greeners dried out on my sleeves" said Trout, "but I was more distracted by the wind drying out the bogies still in my nostrils leaving me with an almost irresistible urge to pick my nose."
Trout's lack of pre-ride fitness was also deleterious to his performance. Although still able to characteristically charge up hills, his usual ability to discharge quadriceptical lactic acid by idling for a few moments at the top of the hill had deserted him, and Trout spent much of the ride stopping for cigarettes and trying to focus on the beautiful countryside to comfort himself. "I always enjoy the Mountain Road to Rhayader" said Trout, "although there were a lot of sheep on the road which were difficult to miss. I think it will take the local farmers quite a while to get their fleeces clean again."
Trout's progress was further hampered by mechanical trouble at 100 miles when an intermittent squeaking from the rear of his bicycle stopped dramatically when his transmission locked solid, although thankfully at only l0mph. Fortunately road-side repairs were expedited by the timely arrival of maintenance expert Barrie "Mr. Fixit" Lewis who noticed the chain had broken between the two jockey wheels as a result of the ceramic bush in the top jockey wheel having broken and subsequently seized up.
Finishing a long way down the field in a mediocre time of eleven and a half hours, Trout was clearly in poor shape both physically and mentally as he staggered across the room to slump in a heap at the final control at Bishop's Meadow. Apparently unaware of the host of freshly-showered and cheerfully relaxed riders around him, on passing his brevet to organiser Ruth Allen, Trout seemed barely conscious as he wearily enquired "Did I win?"
Clearly Audax rides can affect the brains of those participating in these sometimes gruelling rides. When asked on the following day about the difficulties he had faced during the ride, Trout said "Difficulties? No, it was a breeze. I really enjoyed myself."
© Kilgore's Enterprises February 1997